The Real Meaning of Bittersweet Memories

12May13

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They say it isn’t the destination that matters, rather that it s the journey that truly matters most. This is true when we all arrive at where we want to be, reach goals we want to reach and reminisce about all the things we did, mistakes we made and people we met along the way. So this blog entry isn’t about a destination reached with someone special rather it is about the difficult journey shared with one irreplaceable person each of us has, our mother, and the wish to be able to do it all again just to share another moment and gain another memory.

It all started with a chat. We’d had so many before never would I have imagined it would end like this. You put your arm around me and said we need to talk. You looked down at me smiling up at you and I saw you start to cry. You were the strong oneI couldn’t help but think why? I didn’t want to think it, I’d tried to ignore the signs. Then you finally said “I have Cancer”. There it was the reality I had been trying so hard to ignore. The hair falling out, I really did believe when you and my aunty said it was an allergic reaction to shampoo, the secret trips to the doctor, not so secret anymore.

But you didn’t worry about yourself you worried about your family. So you did what you always did, went to the doctors constantly and took it in your stride. You were so good at this some days I even completely forgot you were sick. You were always Mum first and cancer patient last.

You saw me turn 21, watched me graduate and gave me a shoulder to cry on when friendships fell apart. You were always the best you always had a kind heart. But as time went on your battle grew more fierce. You beat the odds once when the doctor gave you months and carried on for a few more years.

During that time I took you to Chemo, was with you when you went in and out of hospital, helped you with things you couldn’t do. Like cook and clean and care for you all because I wanted to. I never thought you would leave, I never thought you’d go. You were always so determined to win, you were always my hero.

Slowly we sat with you as the sickness started to get worse and we watched you slip away. I’ll never forget that moment when you couldn’t speak you just stared up at me from your bed and squeezed my hand. Now the tables were reversed you were looking up at me and I started to cry. I just squeezed your hand tighter I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. That moment really was eternity I’ll always be with you there.

As the days went on your body started to get weak until all you could do was go into a deep sleep. Eventually you got tired and couldn’t even sleep so you had to go to rest in eternal peace. You didn’t give up easy for five years you fought your very best, now all your hard work is done you can finally rest.

Everyday, every moment, everything with you I would do it all again only would I with you wouldn’t suffer again. But I can’t be selfish so instead I thank you for everyday, every moment and everything…

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11 Responses to “The Real Meaning of Bittersweet Memories”

  1. I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I think occasions like this always make memories seem a lot more vivid. Your mum sounds like an amazing woman x

    • Thank you. It definitely does, suddenly every memory and emotion you have regarding that person becomes so much more meaningful and intense. Thank you she really was 🙂
      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment 🙂 xo

  2. That’s beautiful 🙂

  3. I got a tear in my eye

  4. Heartfelt and wrenching, your stream-of-consciousness writing allowed your emotions to gush for into beautiful and poetic passages.

    Take care,
    Paul

    • Thank you it was honestly one of the toughest things I have ever written about. It was so painful and it left me feeling really exposed but it meant so much to me.

      Thank you for reading and your comment 🙂

      • I believe I can relate to what you experienced. My Dad died over 2 years ago, and that was very wrenching and extremely sad. I wrote a lot about him–stream-of-consciousness type writing, letting it all pour out. When I continue my memoir, I believe I will use that same material, unedited. I think the raw feeling and language is powerful on its own, without the need to polish such heartfelt emotions. After writing my various pieces about my Dad, there was some sort of relief. But the pain lingers still. Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it.
        Take care,
        Paul

      • I’m sorry to hear that I know it seems like something people say but having experienced the loss of my mother I feel so lost without her and can relate. I think that would be a really interesting read, I think sometimes pure emotion can be so much more powerful than something that is constantly altered. I know what you mean by the pain still lingering its a really tough situation and feeling. Anytime! thank you for all your comments they have been really helpful.
        All the best!

      • Good morning,

        Thank you for writing back, and it remains very difficult to comprehend the loss of my Dad. I think of him every day, and whenever I espy a blue heron in flight, sometimes overhead, I think it is my Dad just stopping by saying hello.

        The pat phrase of ‘Sorry for your loss’ seems so inadequate, doesn’t it? Especially from folk who cherish words. But what really can be said when someone is shrouded in sorrow? At least it does provide a modicum of comfort.

        Your love and memories of your Mom will give you strength, and I’m sure she knows how much you miss her and love her. She sounded like a lovely woman.

        Take care, and may a sense of calm and peace of mind embrace you.

        Paul

      • Morning!

        I can completely relate. Constantly little things remind me of my mum.

        Exactly, saying sorry just doesn’t seem to be enough and it just can’t change the feelings. But knowing someone cares does help.

        Thank you, she was. I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone like her or have as close a bond with anyone else. I miss her so much.

        Thank you 🙂


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